Like I was warned, my personal time with God has been pushed to the edge as I try to fit back into my old world. But I won't ever fit back in, because I don't fit into that mold any more.
It's lonely a lot, even when I'm surrounded by friends and family. But it's good, because if it didn't hurt, what would it be? Just another fun trip? No, I left a bit of myself there. And I fully intend on going back there to be reunited with that bit.
Finding outlets for relieving my stress are important too. I NEED times to talk about Honduras, to just remember. I recently had the opportunity to go to breakfast with my high-school Spanish teacher, Penny Marks. We went to a lovely coffee shop in my town called Adventures in Coffee. We spoke Spanish the whole time, and we talked about Honduras, and what I learned, and how I was feeling. We talked about my plans for the future, and I found out that she got her graduate degree at the school where I am hoping to transfer, Millersville University. That may seem like a little thing, but I want to go for Spanish and International Relations, and to know from a trusted friend that it is a good school for that was so encouraging and reassuring. Choosing a transfer college, applying for classes and getting financial aid has been, to put it lightly, stressful. So this little bit of encouragement from a woman who I know God put in my life to prepare me for my time in Honduras and beyond, was wonderful.
I try to keep my eyes open for little things like that and I hold on to them like nothing else. I need the tangible thing, that experience here, in the States, to keep me from just running back. It's interesting, having had to adjust to that culture, and be an outsider, and find my way in, Honduras is now more of my "safe place," and here at home can be so new and scary. I watch myself become less social. I'm content more to be just at home, not go out. Not to mention I'm broke as a beggar, which makes going and hanging difficult, because "going and hanging" here is going out to eat. Ha.
I'm still searching for my spot, but I AM really excited about my decision on Millersville. I'm applying to several schools, but I really think God led me there. It was off in the corner and then just kind of burst through the doors to me. It has a really great Christian fellowship, which is one of the big reasons it appealed to me.
My prayer is to be open, willing to be vulnerable(honestly I've never felt more vulnerable than now!), and a learner. One thing I learned in Honduras that I will always take with me is to be a Learner--yearn to learn! Look for the opportunities and accept them with humility. So this is a learning time, my whole life is, really, and I'm trying to soak up all there is.
And oftentimes, that's rather overwhelming. But a quote from an amazing book I just finished reading, "A Tree Grows In Brooklyn," (highly recommended to all!), helps me to understand a little more the little times of "depression" and sadness:
There had to be the dark and muddy waters so that the sun could have something to background its flashing glory.
So these times are just the background for the flashing glory that is to come. :)
<3
