Onward!

Time for some more thoughts.

So recently I've been getting some "time to sort out your priorities" signs from God. Some small, some big. I've been kind of unmotivated and definitely unfocused, on anything, really.
It's been hard, cause it's been a lot of letting go or at least putting things really dear to me in God's hands, like relationships.
I kind of love relationships. Of any kind, actually. Human interaction is my favorite. I like to protect them and keep them close to my heart, just right in my pocket. If I misplace them, I look around frantically for them until they're found again and safe, and if they aren't found I'm likely to mourn them, and once the mourning period is over, I will continue to reminisce.
But God likes relationships too, even more than me. In fact, a lot more. And He is so much better at maintaining and perfecting them than I am. No matter how good a friend I try to be or am, He will surpass me. It's through Him that I can even begin to interact in a positive way with others.
So why do I try and hoard my relationships and control them, rather than trusting Him to keep them safe?
So I'm trying to do that. Some days it's great, a lot of days it's hard.

Priorities. I've been doubting and trying to figure out what those are lately. Some days I'm really convinced that I should just hop on a plane back to Honduras, or anywhere. I often feel like I'm wasting time, that if only I could just get moving. And then I have to constantly remind myself that in order to do my best, wherever I'm headed, education won't hinder me. Perfecting my Spanish, learning more about languages and the way humans create and speak them, understanding the Latin culture of Central and South America--all these are going to be foundations for what I have ahead of me.
This past week I was really unmotivated (I had a Spanish exam to prepare for, and I just had no want to even try). and I had a dream last night, all about Honduras. And I don't know why, but it was just a solidification for me of what I'm working towards. It was a major motivation, and I woke up and studied like a beast for my exam. Also, for all wondering, I felt pretty confidant about my exam, but I have no idea what kind of grader my professor is, so we'll see

So I'm moving, upward towards Him, and onward towards my goals and the rest.

Just a photo reminder of the kind of awesomeness I'm working toward...:)

And the greatest of these is love...

I'm going to start my blog again, this time just for my thoughts and experiences while I'm at school and the International House. A lot of times it'll be about my God time, and sometimes just what I've been thinking or learning about. I'll probably put my playlists on here, and maybe a funny story now and then.
So, without further ado, here's what God has been speaking to me about..

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"Dear friends, let us not love with words or tongue, but with action and in truth."
1 John 3:18

How do I love with action and truth? My first thought was fairly simply: Kindness. It seems silly, but how often do I speak without thinking, tearing people down, or acting out of selfish ambition, always thinking of me first?

Ephesians 4:29
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building other up, according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

James 3:17
But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.

Proverbs 11:16-17
A kindhearted woman gains respect, but ruthless men gain only wealth. A kind man benefits himself, but a cruel man brings trouble on himself.

Luke 6:37-38
But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because He is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

1 Corinthians 13:4
Love is patient, love is kind; it does not envy, it does not boast; it is not proud...

Ephesians 4:32
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Just the background...

It's been almost 2 months since I left Honduras, and a month and 5 days that I've been home. I'm still adjusting. I'm still a little lost--make that a LOT lost. I've been spending a lot of time reading, doing wii fit, taking pictures, trying to edit photos, watching Avatar with Mama and Mercy, and wishing I was in Honduras.

Like I was warned, my personal time with God has been pushed to the edge as I try to fit back into my old world. But I won't ever fit back in, because I don't fit into that mold any more.

It's lonely a lot, even when I'm surrounded by friends and family. But it's good, because if it didn't hurt, what would it be? Just another fun trip? No, I left a bit of myself there. And I fully intend on going back there to be reunited with that bit.

Finding outlets for relieving my stress are important too. I NEED times to talk about Honduras, to just remember. I recently had the opportunity to go to breakfast with my high-school Spanish teacher, Penny Marks. We went to a lovely coffee shop in my town called Adventures in Coffee. We spoke Spanish the whole time, and we talked about Honduras, and what I learned, and how I was feeling. We talked about my plans for the future, and I found out that she got her graduate degree at the school where I am hoping to transfer, Millersville University. That may seem like a little thing, but I want to go for Spanish and International Relations, and to know from a trusted friend that it is a good school for that was so encouraging and reassuring. Choosing a transfer college, applying for classes and getting financial aid has been, to put it lightly, stressful. So this little bit of encouragement from a woman who I know God put in my life to prepare me for my time in Honduras and beyond, was wonderful.

I try to keep my eyes open for little things like that and I hold on to them like nothing else. I need the tangible thing, that experience here, in the States, to keep me from just running back. It's interesting, having had to adjust to that culture, and be an outsider, and find my way in, Honduras is now more of my "safe place," and here at home can be so new and scary. I watch myself become less social. I'm content more to be just at home, not go out. Not to mention I'm broke as a beggar, which makes going and hanging difficult, because "going and hanging" here is going out to eat. Ha.

I'm still searching for my spot, but I AM really excited about my decision on Millersville. I'm applying to several schools, but I really think God led me there. It was off in the corner and then just kind of burst through the doors to me. It has a really great Christian fellowship, which is one of the big reasons it appealed to me.

My prayer is to be open, willing to be vulnerable(honestly I've never felt more vulnerable than now!), and a learner. One thing I learned in Honduras that I will always take with me is to be a Learner--yearn to learn! Look for the opportunities and accept them with humility. So this is a learning time, my whole life is, really, and I'm trying to soak up all there is.

And oftentimes, that's rather overwhelming. But a quote from an amazing book I just finished reading, "A Tree Grows In Brooklyn," (highly recommended to all!), helps me to understand a little more the little times of "depression" and sadness:

There had to be the dark and muddy waters so that the sun could have something to background its flashing glory.

So these times are just the background for the flashing glory that is to come. :)

<3

Tears.

I have almost been home a week. It has been lovely, reuniting with old friends, being a part of my family's life again, meeting new friends. It really is a new adventure, another chapter....

Of course I find my self thinking of Honduras most often, and so it should be. But it's hard, because often it's a deep sadness that is hard to describe. I think of the lives still in danger, still in need of a Savior, and the deep need that is ever present there.

I think of young Elvin, still living on the streets, addicted to yellow glue, and in desperate need of Christ's love in his life. I think of Carlos David at Casita Kennedy, and the three brothers Jangel, Josue Givran and Cristofer. I think of and pray for them, and I cry. When will their rescue come? And I know that me being there or not won't make a huge difference, God will work through whoever is willing. And I know there are amazing people there, who are willing to be and are being used in amazing ways. But I'm not there, right there, to witness it. I want to be used to help these children, these people! And the sadness of not being there, not being there for the little things. Not being there for their exams, their soccer games, their plays at church...not being there for my little host brothers' birthdays, or for the anniversaries of the Micah guys, is what gets me the most...

I remember what Bonnie Westberry told us during our debrief in New York, which seems so long ago now, on a particularly hard day. She said that "you need to know that you are grieving. You have experienced a loss, a different type of loss, but it is one all the same. And every loss must be grieved." We all left little bits of ourselves there, to be remembered. And it hurts.

But I was comforted today, as I read John 11, in the story of Lazarus. Verses 32-36:

When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."

When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. "Where have you laid him?" he asked.

"Come and see, Lord," they replied.

Jesus wept.

Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him!"

Most people know at least verse 35, "Jesus wept." But I think most people don't know WHY Jesus was weeping; most are unaware of the context. The beauty of this chapter is Jesus' humanity. There isn't a living person who cannot identify with this--with grieving. Jesus wept for Lazarus' sisters, for their pain, and that of the friends of Lazarus, but he also wept for himself. Earlier in the chapter, in verse 5, it says "Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus." It was that feeling of loss, that grieving, of a loved one.

Reading this drew me closer to the person of Jesus, and I realized that he is weeping with me as I weep for Honduras, as I weep for the children of Casita Kennedy and for Elvin, for my host family and for the Micah boys. He cries with me, he weeps for my pain, and also his own at seeing his loved ones lost, struggling, in need, or all three.

The empathy of Christ is something to be learned from, and something to be comforted by.

So now, as I cry and miss Honduras, in these days when my beautiful team is too far to cry with me, I know that Jesus is with me, weeping.

If we ever needed you, Lord it's now...

I write this my last day as a "Stepper." It's extremely bittersweet. How do I take everything I have learned and experienced and put it into my "normal" and "every day" life? How do I move on? I am so excited to see my family, my friends, my home--but at the same time I dread to leave my team, who have become some of my dearest friends, with whom I've been through so much and learned so much with. They are the only ones, besides God, who will really know what I have experienced and been through... they've shared all those memories, they've learned all those lessons with me.

Today in the car as I was praying I was overwhelmed with the fact that there are so many unhappy, hurting, lost people out there--literally right outside my window as I traveled through the Bronx, NY. You would think growing up in a Christian home, I would have had some heart for that. No, not ever. Not that I haven't cared, but I haven't cared enough to be active about it, or to even be upset about it.

I'm so afraid to lose that. That would be the worst.

So how do I maintain it?

This is my question, and the only answer I have is that I know, I know I cannot do it on my own. So I have to be in constant prayer and communication with the One, the one who can help me with all that. Thank goodness I have a big God. :)

And I ask you all for your prayers--and lots of them. I'll need it. I know I need it.

I know this seems like such a depressing last update. I don't mean for it to be. It's a serious one, yes. But really, I am so excited to start this next chapter in my life, but it IS slightly scary, especially with all this adjusting I have to do.

But tomorrow I get to see my family for the first time in 6 months, and also some very dear friends. And I am oh-so excited. Being away has made me appreciate and value my relationships so much more.

Thanks to you all, so so much. I wouldn't have made it through without your prayers. Thanks for traveling with me and supporting me during this amazing time in my life. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

And so this is me, signing off. This journey is almost to a close, but it turned out to be the key to unlock several new adventures I think.

Les quiero mucho, por siempre!

-Evi

Something worth losing EVERYTHING for...

And so I have arrived in the United States.

It's strange, I haven't done much culture shock yet, besides always having to think twice before putting the toilet paper in the toilet instead of the trashcan. I think New York is a good transition, because we are still minorities. It will be a bigger shock when we go to our little mostly-Caucasian towns. New York is only 30% Caucasian, and especially the Bronx has a large Hispanic population. So we make ourselves feel at home by reminiscing about Honduras and listening to our favorite Spanish songs, Christian and secular.

Right now we are going through Anita Keggy's JoyShop ministries "21 day Challange" through the book of John. We just started and so just finished day 2 in our personal devotions. It's really neat to be able to do our personal devotions and then just talk about the different things we got out of the same chapter. Along with our devotions, we are reading the book "Radical," by David Platt. I'm not super far, but so far it's been really intense. Today's reading for my devotion was John 2, when Jesus overturns the tables in the temple. Melanie and I were talking about it while we visited World Vision, just how Jesus was kind of a maniac! I never realized it before, but he made a whip! That's pretty insane. He was so "radical." And he calls us to be radical, completely insane. He asks a lot to follow him, he says we will be homeless, he says we can't bury our parents or say goodbye to our families, we have to give everything we have away, and take up our cross, this torture weapon, and THEN we can follow him. He wasn't exactly looking for popularity.

Jesus calls us to be completely insane and radical, but in exchange for this we have the treasure. David Platt illustrates this by kind of retelling the story of the pearl in the field. I love the picture he paints, so I'm going to copy the passage here:

"Imagine walking in a field and stumbling upon a treasure that is more valuable than anything else you could work for or find in this life. It is more valuable than all your have now or will have in the future.

You look around and notice that no one else realizes the treasure is here, so you cover it up quickly and walk away, pretending you haven't seen anything. You go into town and begin to sell off all your possessions to have enough money to buy that field. The world thinks you're crazy. "What are you thinking?" you friends and family ask you.

You tell them, "I'm buying that field over there."

They look at you in disbelief. "That's a ridiculous investment," they say. "Why are you giving away everything you have?"

You respond, "I have a hunch," and you smile to yourself as you walk away.

You smile because you know. You know that in the end you are not really giving away anything at all. Instead you are gaining. Yes, you are abandoning everything you have, but you are also gaining more than you could have in any other way. So with joy--with joy!--you sell it all, you abandon it all. Why? Because you have found something worth losing everything else for.

This is the picture of Jesus in the gospel. He is something--someone--worth losing everything for. And if we walk away from the Jesus of the gospel, we walk away from eternal riches."

-Radical, by David Platt, pgs. 17-18

I'm working on being willing to lose everything for the treasure ahead of me...and for the treasure of the relationship I can have with such a radical God right now.

-Evi

Blessed-Bendito

Well, I write this in the Tegucigalpa airport, as we wait to board our American Airline flight to Miami. Saying goodbye has been hard, and even now I really don’t want to go. I knew it would be difficult, but I couldn’t fathom the emotions that are running through me. I have another family here, and to leave them breaks my heart. As I watch the people walk through the gate as they arrive in Honduras, I wish we could switch places with them.
This is life, always meeting and saying goodbye, beginning and ending, stopping and starting, loving and leaving. As my host mom, Angelica, would say “Asi es la vida..” To be honest, it sucks. So bad. It’s easy to say “Yeah, I’m not doing this. It hurts too much.” I know I’ve said that several times over the past two weeks especially...but then I think of my time here, I think of the blessings. I think of the enrichment. It doesn’t make me less sad, less angry, but it does make me realize that this wasn’t in vain. I have REAL relationships here, and real experiences that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I’ve been stretched and molded, ripped and sewn, broken and rebuilt. And I’m stronger, and weaker, and gentler, and more confidant. I think of every blessing and it overwhelms me. The love I have received here, the lessons learned...they are something that no one can ever take away from me.
And I am blessed. So blessed. I can’t describe it. God has given me so much here. Yeah, I bought some souvenirs at Valle de Angeles, but that’s not what I’m bringing back. I’m coming back full to the brim with God’s blessings, Honduran style!
I am going to miss, and already do miss, everyone here so much...
But I’m about to board, so I’ve got to run. I love you all...be blessed!

-Evi