"Evi, why is he crying?"
I looked down beside me to see Givran, my dear little buddy, just standing there holding my hand and crying.
"Porque estas llorando?(Why are you crying?)" I asked him.
He mumbled something, but I couldn't quite hear him. So I got down on one knee and asked him again, and this time I heard "Yo quiero ir contigo...(I want to go with you...)"
I just held him tight on my lap then as he cried himself asleep.
This was one of those times where you wonder "God, what IS your plan in all this?" There I was, working at Casita Kennedy for just 3 weeks. What can I do in 3 weeks? Is it worth the sadness that comes from having to leave? Is it worth these kids having another person walk into their lives and then right out of it again?
For the past three weeks, as I said, I have been working with Emily at Casita Kennedy. Casita Kennedy is a government run organization, which is new for the STEP program to be doing. And because of that it could be a little awkward or different at times, because we didn't have that common theme of Christianity with the workers. It is essentially like an orphanage, but there actually aren't tons and tons of orphans in Honduras. Most of the children are abandoned. In Honduras the law is that you can abandon your child up to 5 times, but the 5th time the government takes custody of the child, unless someone else steps forward. This certainly isn't the best system, but it's what they've developed. So most of the kids there have been abandoned, or taken by the state because their parents have been deemed unfit caretakers.
There is so much hurt in a place like that. Imagine getting to visit your family twice a week, for one hour at a time. You are 1 and 1/2 years old. You don't understand why they take you away from your mom, from your brother and sister, you just know that you want to be with them. Imagine this happening as a regular routine. You eventually know the routine, but never understand why you have to be taken away again. Imagine one day you don't have your visit. All the other kids are going to their visit, you see them with their families. But where is yours? What has happened? You don't understand. You can communicate your frustration, your confusion...
This was an experience I had with a little guy who became a personal buddy of mine. His name is Carlos David, and about half-way through our time there his older brother stopped visiting, and he did have visitation any more and couldn't spend time with his other brother and sister either who were at the institution. The first time it happened, he knew he was supposed to have his visit. But he can't express himself, he is so little, he didn't know who was to blame. I remember he targeted me. He would get very angry and just throw random fits during what should have been his visitation time. He would seek me out to throw a fit, hitting and punching and scratching me. He didn't want to be comforted. At first I was appalled--here he was doing this to me, when I had nothing to do with it, and we were buddies! He really loved me, and I him. We had a special relationship.
But then I realized what was happening. He directed his anger at me, but it was because he knew I wouldn't be angry back. I was safe for him.
I find this happens a lot with us and God. So many times when things happen that we don't understand, or when a tragedy happens, we blame God. We attack his character. We heap abuse on his followers, on his church. Even as his church we do that. We "reject him." But why? Because if we really knew God's power, if we looked at the side you see as he smashes enemies and destroys those who turn away, then would we dare? But we know, deep down, that we are safe in him. He actually KNOWS the plan. He will carry us through. He holds us in his heart, our names are written on his palm. In all our own failures, and in the failures of others, we are safe in him.
Carlos David
As always, thank you for your continued prayers. I'm about to start my second ministry time. Melanie and I will be working in Centro, taking a lot of public transit, at Micah Project. This is something I've wanted to do since we arrived and visited Micah. Pray for safety and wisdom as we travel to and from and work as english teachers with the boys there.
My love always, in Christ,
Evi
