Just the background...

It's been almost 2 months since I left Honduras, and a month and 5 days that I've been home. I'm still adjusting. I'm still a little lost--make that a LOT lost. I've been spending a lot of time reading, doing wii fit, taking pictures, trying to edit photos, watching Avatar with Mama and Mercy, and wishing I was in Honduras.

Like I was warned, my personal time with God has been pushed to the edge as I try to fit back into my old world. But I won't ever fit back in, because I don't fit into that mold any more.

It's lonely a lot, even when I'm surrounded by friends and family. But it's good, because if it didn't hurt, what would it be? Just another fun trip? No, I left a bit of myself there. And I fully intend on going back there to be reunited with that bit.

Finding outlets for relieving my stress are important too. I NEED times to talk about Honduras, to just remember. I recently had the opportunity to go to breakfast with my high-school Spanish teacher, Penny Marks. We went to a lovely coffee shop in my town called Adventures in Coffee. We spoke Spanish the whole time, and we talked about Honduras, and what I learned, and how I was feeling. We talked about my plans for the future, and I found out that she got her graduate degree at the school where I am hoping to transfer, Millersville University. That may seem like a little thing, but I want to go for Spanish and International Relations, and to know from a trusted friend that it is a good school for that was so encouraging and reassuring. Choosing a transfer college, applying for classes and getting financial aid has been, to put it lightly, stressful. So this little bit of encouragement from a woman who I know God put in my life to prepare me for my time in Honduras and beyond, was wonderful.

I try to keep my eyes open for little things like that and I hold on to them like nothing else. I need the tangible thing, that experience here, in the States, to keep me from just running back. It's interesting, having had to adjust to that culture, and be an outsider, and find my way in, Honduras is now more of my "safe place," and here at home can be so new and scary. I watch myself become less social. I'm content more to be just at home, not go out. Not to mention I'm broke as a beggar, which makes going and hanging difficult, because "going and hanging" here is going out to eat. Ha.

I'm still searching for my spot, but I AM really excited about my decision on Millersville. I'm applying to several schools, but I really think God led me there. It was off in the corner and then just kind of burst through the doors to me. It has a really great Christian fellowship, which is one of the big reasons it appealed to me.

My prayer is to be open, willing to be vulnerable(honestly I've never felt more vulnerable than now!), and a learner. One thing I learned in Honduras that I will always take with me is to be a Learner--yearn to learn! Look for the opportunities and accept them with humility. So this is a learning time, my whole life is, really, and I'm trying to soak up all there is.

And oftentimes, that's rather overwhelming. But a quote from an amazing book I just finished reading, "A Tree Grows In Brooklyn," (highly recommended to all!), helps me to understand a little more the little times of "depression" and sadness:

There had to be the dark and muddy waters so that the sun could have something to background its flashing glory.

So these times are just the background for the flashing glory that is to come. :)

<3

Tears.

I have almost been home a week. It has been lovely, reuniting with old friends, being a part of my family's life again, meeting new friends. It really is a new adventure, another chapter....

Of course I find my self thinking of Honduras most often, and so it should be. But it's hard, because often it's a deep sadness that is hard to describe. I think of the lives still in danger, still in need of a Savior, and the deep need that is ever present there.

I think of young Elvin, still living on the streets, addicted to yellow glue, and in desperate need of Christ's love in his life. I think of Carlos David at Casita Kennedy, and the three brothers Jangel, Josue Givran and Cristofer. I think of and pray for them, and I cry. When will their rescue come? And I know that me being there or not won't make a huge difference, God will work through whoever is willing. And I know there are amazing people there, who are willing to be and are being used in amazing ways. But I'm not there, right there, to witness it. I want to be used to help these children, these people! And the sadness of not being there, not being there for the little things. Not being there for their exams, their soccer games, their plays at church...not being there for my little host brothers' birthdays, or for the anniversaries of the Micah guys, is what gets me the most...

I remember what Bonnie Westberry told us during our debrief in New York, which seems so long ago now, on a particularly hard day. She said that "you need to know that you are grieving. You have experienced a loss, a different type of loss, but it is one all the same. And every loss must be grieved." We all left little bits of ourselves there, to be remembered. And it hurts.

But I was comforted today, as I read John 11, in the story of Lazarus. Verses 32-36:

When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."

When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. "Where have you laid him?" he asked.

"Come and see, Lord," they replied.

Jesus wept.

Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him!"

Most people know at least verse 35, "Jesus wept." But I think most people don't know WHY Jesus was weeping; most are unaware of the context. The beauty of this chapter is Jesus' humanity. There isn't a living person who cannot identify with this--with grieving. Jesus wept for Lazarus' sisters, for their pain, and that of the friends of Lazarus, but he also wept for himself. Earlier in the chapter, in verse 5, it says "Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus." It was that feeling of loss, that grieving, of a loved one.

Reading this drew me closer to the person of Jesus, and I realized that he is weeping with me as I weep for Honduras, as I weep for the children of Casita Kennedy and for Elvin, for my host family and for the Micah boys. He cries with me, he weeps for my pain, and also his own at seeing his loved ones lost, struggling, in need, or all three.

The empathy of Christ is something to be learned from, and something to be comforted by.

So now, as I cry and miss Honduras, in these days when my beautiful team is too far to cry with me, I know that Jesus is with me, weeping.

If we ever needed you, Lord it's now...

I write this my last day as a "Stepper." It's extremely bittersweet. How do I take everything I have learned and experienced and put it into my "normal" and "every day" life? How do I move on? I am so excited to see my family, my friends, my home--but at the same time I dread to leave my team, who have become some of my dearest friends, with whom I've been through so much and learned so much with. They are the only ones, besides God, who will really know what I have experienced and been through... they've shared all those memories, they've learned all those lessons with me.

Today in the car as I was praying I was overwhelmed with the fact that there are so many unhappy, hurting, lost people out there--literally right outside my window as I traveled through the Bronx, NY. You would think growing up in a Christian home, I would have had some heart for that. No, not ever. Not that I haven't cared, but I haven't cared enough to be active about it, or to even be upset about it.

I'm so afraid to lose that. That would be the worst.

So how do I maintain it?

This is my question, and the only answer I have is that I know, I know I cannot do it on my own. So I have to be in constant prayer and communication with the One, the one who can help me with all that. Thank goodness I have a big God. :)

And I ask you all for your prayers--and lots of them. I'll need it. I know I need it.

I know this seems like such a depressing last update. I don't mean for it to be. It's a serious one, yes. But really, I am so excited to start this next chapter in my life, but it IS slightly scary, especially with all this adjusting I have to do.

But tomorrow I get to see my family for the first time in 6 months, and also some very dear friends. And I am oh-so excited. Being away has made me appreciate and value my relationships so much more.

Thanks to you all, so so much. I wouldn't have made it through without your prayers. Thanks for traveling with me and supporting me during this amazing time in my life. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

And so this is me, signing off. This journey is almost to a close, but it turned out to be the key to unlock several new adventures I think.

Les quiero mucho, por siempre!

-Evi

Something worth losing EVERYTHING for...

And so I have arrived in the United States.

It's strange, I haven't done much culture shock yet, besides always having to think twice before putting the toilet paper in the toilet instead of the trashcan. I think New York is a good transition, because we are still minorities. It will be a bigger shock when we go to our little mostly-Caucasian towns. New York is only 30% Caucasian, and especially the Bronx has a large Hispanic population. So we make ourselves feel at home by reminiscing about Honduras and listening to our favorite Spanish songs, Christian and secular.

Right now we are going through Anita Keggy's JoyShop ministries "21 day Challange" through the book of John. We just started and so just finished day 2 in our personal devotions. It's really neat to be able to do our personal devotions and then just talk about the different things we got out of the same chapter. Along with our devotions, we are reading the book "Radical," by David Platt. I'm not super far, but so far it's been really intense. Today's reading for my devotion was John 2, when Jesus overturns the tables in the temple. Melanie and I were talking about it while we visited World Vision, just how Jesus was kind of a maniac! I never realized it before, but he made a whip! That's pretty insane. He was so "radical." And he calls us to be radical, completely insane. He asks a lot to follow him, he says we will be homeless, he says we can't bury our parents or say goodbye to our families, we have to give everything we have away, and take up our cross, this torture weapon, and THEN we can follow him. He wasn't exactly looking for popularity.

Jesus calls us to be completely insane and radical, but in exchange for this we have the treasure. David Platt illustrates this by kind of retelling the story of the pearl in the field. I love the picture he paints, so I'm going to copy the passage here:

"Imagine walking in a field and stumbling upon a treasure that is more valuable than anything else you could work for or find in this life. It is more valuable than all your have now or will have in the future.

You look around and notice that no one else realizes the treasure is here, so you cover it up quickly and walk away, pretending you haven't seen anything. You go into town and begin to sell off all your possessions to have enough money to buy that field. The world thinks you're crazy. "What are you thinking?" you friends and family ask you.

You tell them, "I'm buying that field over there."

They look at you in disbelief. "That's a ridiculous investment," they say. "Why are you giving away everything you have?"

You respond, "I have a hunch," and you smile to yourself as you walk away.

You smile because you know. You know that in the end you are not really giving away anything at all. Instead you are gaining. Yes, you are abandoning everything you have, but you are also gaining more than you could have in any other way. So with joy--with joy!--you sell it all, you abandon it all. Why? Because you have found something worth losing everything else for.

This is the picture of Jesus in the gospel. He is something--someone--worth losing everything for. And if we walk away from the Jesus of the gospel, we walk away from eternal riches."

-Radical, by David Platt, pgs. 17-18

I'm working on being willing to lose everything for the treasure ahead of me...and for the treasure of the relationship I can have with such a radical God right now.

-Evi

Blessed-Bendito

Well, I write this in the Tegucigalpa airport, as we wait to board our American Airline flight to Miami. Saying goodbye has been hard, and even now I really don’t want to go. I knew it would be difficult, but I couldn’t fathom the emotions that are running through me. I have another family here, and to leave them breaks my heart. As I watch the people walk through the gate as they arrive in Honduras, I wish we could switch places with them.
This is life, always meeting and saying goodbye, beginning and ending, stopping and starting, loving and leaving. As my host mom, Angelica, would say “Asi es la vida..” To be honest, it sucks. So bad. It’s easy to say “Yeah, I’m not doing this. It hurts too much.” I know I’ve said that several times over the past two weeks especially...but then I think of my time here, I think of the blessings. I think of the enrichment. It doesn’t make me less sad, less angry, but it does make me realize that this wasn’t in vain. I have REAL relationships here, and real experiences that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I’ve been stretched and molded, ripped and sewn, broken and rebuilt. And I’m stronger, and weaker, and gentler, and more confidant. I think of every blessing and it overwhelms me. The love I have received here, the lessons learned...they are something that no one can ever take away from me.
And I am blessed. So blessed. I can’t describe it. God has given me so much here. Yeah, I bought some souvenirs at Valle de Angeles, but that’s not what I’m bringing back. I’m coming back full to the brim with God’s blessings, Honduran style!
I am going to miss, and already do miss, everyone here so much...
But I’m about to board, so I’ve got to run. I love you all...be blessed!

-Evi

Beauty from Pain....

One month later...

Sorry everyone. It's been a crazy month! I should have written an update a while ago.
Right now I am currently sitting on the couch at the Horst's house, a little sad because my team, Barcelona, just lost La Copa del Rey to their rival team, Real Madrid. My sister Hope is a huge fan of Real Madrid, so I know I shall hear no end to this ;) But the window is open and the smell of rain is wafting in...yes, rain! How we've needed! It's been stifling in the city with all the humidity plus all the disgusting polution--which means super hot days, but no blue skies.

So where I have been? Where to begin? Well, I started my second ministry, as mentioned before, at the Micah Project. It's in downtown centro, which is like the center of Teguz. It's where all the shops and stuff are if you don't want to go to a mall.
Micah Project, or in Spanish, Projecto Miqueas, is really amazing. And it's really where I'm supposed to be right now I think. I've never felt this way about a ministry or a group of people before. God has given me this amazing passion and over-whelming love for them. I'll have bad days, where the boys are difficult and I think "I need a break," but I get home and all of a sudden I want to go back so bad and I just love them so much. I've never had this overwhelmingness of God's love for anyone or anything before. It's really a blessed experience.

At Micah Project I've been helping in classes and actually teaching some! It's slightly scary to teach teenage boys, especially in Spanish. But it's really fun too. God has really enabled me to see past the rough backgrounds and even the way many of them act and into their hearts, and see those precious moments when their personalities shine through so brightly, and their vulnerability and childlike wonder come through. Don't get me wrong, these aren't innocent little boys--but they ARE God's little boys. And I've just witnessed so much and seen and know the young men who have come up through the Micah Project and just seen how God really brings beauty from pain.

At the Micah house I teach a Geography class, a reading class and a handwriting class. Also I do one on one reading with one of the boys named Axelito, who is 13, and also one on one Math with him. This coming week I'll be starting to teach several English classes as Melanie and I will be covering for some teachers who are going South Africa for a little while for a wedding and then to sightsee.
I often play soccer with the boys on Monday afternoons, and go to their soccer practices on Wednesday's and Thursdays to cheer them on!
It's hard to put into words my feelings for the ministry. I've never felt so completely at home with my gifts and talents. I can be goofy there--that's one of the main things I do there, goof off with the boys. I know how hard it's going to be for me to leave. A couple of weeks ago I thought I was going to have to switch ministries. That was heart-wrenching...I really hadn't cried that hard in a long time. But God worked it out and I stayed!
I'm learning so much all the time, just about how their lives are, and I learn how to relate to people who have been through hell. How to encourage and motivate them.
These boys will be some of the next leaders in the Honduran church, a new generation of fathers, brothers, and sons. That's something Honduras really needs.

Appropriately named "The Micah Project," their key verse for the boys comes from Micah 6:8, and this is the mission of the Micah Project for the boys:

He has shown you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly[a] with your God.


Please pray for the staff at Micah. It takes so much energy, but the reward is great. Sometimes we don't see the reward, but God pulls through. Pray for the boys battle against their addiction to drugs and also just to the lifestyle of the streets. Even those who have been there several years still have to fight that constant temptation. Pray for all the Micah boys: Wilmer, Miguel, Glen, David, Nelly, Luis, Maicol, Axel, Hector, Joel, Pedro Luis, Moises, Axelito, Miguelito, Yeison, Brayan, Manuel, and Raul.
Everyone of these boys are so precious to me, and to God.

Pedro Luis! Yeison :)

Maicol and Melanie Hector and Me :)

Axelito and Me :)

Thank you so much for your continual prayers! Happy Easter, I'm going to La Villa, a connection to Jericho Ministries, for Easter weekend. :)

He is risen, He is risen indeed!

Love,

Evi

"Yo quiero ir contigo...."

We stood at the edge of the playground, waving goodbye to our new Québécois friends.
"Evi, why is he crying?"
I looked down beside me to see Givran, my dear little buddy, just standing there holding my hand and crying.
"Porque estas llorando?(Why are you crying?)" I asked him.
He mumbled something, but I couldn't quite hear him. So I got down on one knee and asked him again, and this time I heard "Yo quiero ir contigo...(I want to go with you...)"
I just held him tight on my lap then as he cried himself asleep.

This was one of those times where you wonder "God, what IS your plan in all this?" There I was, working at Casita Kennedy for just 3 weeks. What can I do in 3 weeks? Is it worth the sadness that comes from having to leave? Is it worth these kids having another person walk into their lives and then right out of it again?

For the past three weeks, as I said, I have been working with Emily at Casita Kennedy. Casita Kennedy is a government run organization, which is new for the STEP program to be doing. And because of that it could be a little awkward or different at times, because we didn't have that common theme of Christianity with the workers. It is essentially like an orphanage, but there actually aren't tons and tons of orphans in Honduras. Most of the children are abandoned. In Honduras the law is that you can abandon your child up to 5 times, but the 5th time the government takes custody of the child, unless someone else steps forward. This certainly isn't the best system, but it's what they've developed. So most of the kids there have been abandoned, or taken by the state because their parents have been deemed unfit caretakers.

There is so much hurt in a place like that. Imagine getting to visit your family twice a week, for one hour at a time. You are 1 and 1/2 years old. You don't understand why they take you away from your mom, from your brother and sister, you just know that you want to be with them. Imagine this happening as a regular routine. You eventually know the routine, but never understand why you have to be taken away again. Imagine one day you don't have your visit. All the other kids are going to their visit, you see them with their families. But where is yours? What has happened? You don't understand. You can communicate your frustration, your confusion...

This was an experience I had with a little guy who became a personal buddy of mine. His name is Carlos David, and about half-way through our time there his older brother stopped visiting, and he did have visitation any more and couldn't spend time with his other brother and sister either who were at the institution. The first time it happened, he knew he was supposed to have his visit. But he can't express himself, he is so little, he didn't know who was to blame. I remember he targeted me. He would get very angry and just throw random fits during what should have been his visitation time. He would seek me out to throw a fit, hitting and punching and scratching me. He didn't want to be comforted. At first I was appalled--here he was doing this to me, when I had nothing to do with it, and we were buddies! He really loved me, and I him. We had a special relationship.
But then I realized what was happening. He directed his anger at me, but it was because he knew I wouldn't be angry back. I was safe for him.

I find this happens a lot with us and God. So many times when things happen that we don't understand, or when a tragedy happens, we blame God. We attack his character. We heap abuse on his followers, on his church. Even as his church we do that. We "reject him." But why? Because if we really knew God's power, if we looked at the side you see as he smashes enemies and destroys those who turn away, then would we dare? But we know, deep down, that we are safe in him. He actually KNOWS the plan. He will carry us through. He holds us in his heart, our names are written on his palm. In all our own failures, and in the failures of others, we are safe in him.

Carlos David




As always, thank you for your continued prayers. I'm about to start my second ministry time. Melanie and I will be working in Centro, taking a lot of public transit, at Micah Project. This is something I've wanted to do since we arrived and visited Micah. Pray for safety and wisdom as we travel to and from and work as english teachers with the boys there.

My love always, in Christ,
Evi

He is Jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree.

Adrenaline rush. My heart is racing. I barely think for a minute, eying the spot I want to land. I jump. 37 ft in the air. I'm falling. Now, 4 ft from the water, my body isn't in the right position. No time. SMACK. I hit the water. Hard. My chest and neck are throbbing as I plunge into the depths. I can't catch my breath. I think to myself, "If I don't reach the surface now, I'm going to stop breathing."
I force myself up, breaking through into the air. I gasp. A strong arm pulls me to the rocks. I breath. Again. Breath. I'm alive.
Common sense says "That's enough for one day." Heart says "That can't be your memory of this amazing place." I look over at the powerful downpour of waterfall coming over the cliff to my right. I obey heart.
Two jumps later, I'm glad I listened.

A lot can happen in a month...I've gone to the Mayan Ruins in Copan, went through a waterfall, jumped off a cliff, taken a mud bath, and played spoons in a pool and lost the spoons.
I've gazed at the milky way and seen my good old friend Orion.

I've played futbol and scored a goal, ridden in a truck that was falling apart, and massaged the worn hands of some of God's precious children.
I've mixed cement, been sore for days, and did it again.

I've finished months of Spanish classes, been asked if I'm Honduran, and had plenty of language misunderstandings.
I've petted puppies, chased kittens, and killed cockroaches.

I've sorted bags and bags of clothes, organized disarrayed medicine cabinets, and watched a doctor treat patients and out prescriptions while smoking a cigar. (No I didn't meet Doctor House.)

I've learned hundreds of names, made friends with the mean kid, and had a little boy fall asleep in my arms.

I've been sick and shaking, tired and homesick, and just ready for a break...

I've celebrated good news and mourned tragic, been stressed and relaxed.

I've learned about faith from George Müller and those "old faithfuls" from Hebrews 11.
And I've been chased and wanted by a Jealous God and have been learned what it is t love God as the Bride of Christ.

Honduras is by no means an easy place to live. It tries my patience at times, and like all cultures it comes with a lot of "basura"(trash), both literally and figuratively. But my love for this place, these people, and this culture is blossoming. This week in particular has just been amazing for opening my eyes to that as we worked with a VBS in Colonia Linda Miller, helping a lot with translating and just loving on those kids.

Continue to keep me in your prayers. Next week we start our full out ministry rotations when we'll be in each ministry for 3 weeks at a time. The first ministry I'll be at is called Casita Kennedy. It's actually a government-run program, and for those of you who know about the current state of the Honduran government, that's not necessarily a great thing. It's a place with a LOT of need. It'll be VERY draining. Please pray for strength for me and Emily, who is working with me there, as we give of ourselves to these children.

Amor siempre en Cristo,
Evi